Episode 38: Improving Active Listening At Work In Eight Easy Steps
When you are in a leadership position, the ability to listen well is a great asset to make yourself more desirable to work with and allows you to build more genuine connections. In this episode, Sara Murray shares eight tips on improving active listening at work, which leads to better career development and success. She also ties everything together with a bonus tip and an example of how you should be listening (and interacting with your colleagues) during a sales meeting.
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Improving Active Listening At Work In Eight Easy Steps
Our discussion of hard skills and soft skills continues. Last episode, we discussed empathy as a core soft skill and eight tips on how to focus on and practice empathy at work. In this episode, we're going to dive deeper into an element of empathy. I'm going to call it empathy's partner in crime, which is the skill of active listening. This is still considered a soft skill because it's not something that's easily measured, but when we're in any type of leadership role or a role that requires us to influence others, the ability to listen well is not only going to make you more desirable to work with but will also build more genuine connections with others and will uncover future business. It is vital to the success of business development.
In 1957, two American psychologists, Carl Rogers and Richard Farson, coined the term active listening in a paper of the same name. It means, as the name suggests, actively listening, fully concentrating on what is being said rather than passively hearing the speaker. We'll call that passive listening. Another category of listening is distracted listening, which is pretty self-explanatory. I'm going to give some examples as we go through this on how it negatively impacts our reputation and relationships at work.
Listening well is a complex skill. We're going to get into eight tips to improve your active listening with this particular episode and how to practice and work on these habits. At the end of our eight tips, I'll tie it together with a bonus tip, and then an example of a sales meeting and how listening impacts its success. I will mention that some of these suggestions may be more difficult for certain people as everyone learns differently, interacts, and communicates in their own unique way. Take what works for you.
We must be intentional with our active listening skills. This is important for so many reasons, including some basics like building rapport and establishing trust. It ensures that we understand our colleagues and our client's needs so that we can effectively address them. Listening will help reduce miscommunication. It helps us compile additional information, feedback, and objections so that we can continue to master how we approach our businesses. None of this can happen effectively without the ability to listen and to listen well. Without further ado, similar to our eight tips for practicing empathy, we're going to get into eight tips for active listening.
Tip One: Set An Intention
Tip number one is to set an intention or clear goals for going into whatever situation you're approaching. Whether you're catching up with a friend, attending a presentation, an event, or a conference, both as an attendee and a presenter or if you're running a sales call or chatting with your boss, any type of conversation, having clear intentions going into it is going to set you up for success. A very clear and easy way to do this is an internal script, "I'm listening to this person at this time about this topic."
Tip Two: Intentions Must Be Present
Tip number two, similar to setting intentions is to be present. One easy way to stay present is to literally work on staying present. Do not think about the past. Don't think about the future. Don't think about your next meeting. Don't think about what this person's saying and what that may mean for your future five steps ahead. This is where mindfulness comes into play, staying present in the moment that you're in. When someone that you're with is not present, it is very noticeable.
A quick and easy example here, I'm sure we've all experienced this probably as the person doing it and the person receiving it, is you're telling a story to a friend at a restaurant. You're having a great lunch, you're telling them this story, and they are looking around the restaurant. They're trying to make eye contact with people. They're watching what's happening out on the sidewalk outside. They're looking at their phone. They're generally not paying attention. It makes you feel like your time, your story, and what you're communicating aren't valuable and of importance to the other person. Staying present is going to set you up for an active listening situation.
Tip Three: Remove Distractions
One of the best ways to truly pay attention and be present brings us to tip number three, which is to remove distractions. This one should be obvious, but we all do it. Our phones, our watches, our laptops, email, or television, screens large and small are always vying for our attention. If you have something that's a common distraction, like your phone, put it on silent, put it face down during a meeting, or keep it in your bag or your pocket if you don't need it.
If you're sitting at a desk and someone approaches you for a conversation, if it's appropriate, can you turn your chair away from your computer and truly focus on them? It's going to be more efficient for you to have this quick conversation that you have by single-tasking. In this example, the single task is listening to the other person, responding, and moving on. Move back to your task at hand. You're going to miss things on both sides if you do. You're going to do all of these tasks less efficiently if you multitask as opposed to single-tasking, focusing, responding, and moving on.
This is especially important if you're having a phone conversation as opposed to an on-camera virtual meeting or an in-person meeting. I'm sure we've all had the experience when you're on the phone with someone and you're trying to have a conversation or get a quick answer so that you can move on with your work, and the other person is talking to you, but reading and responding to an email while you are on the phone with them.
Tip Four: Do Not Plan Your Responses
When this happens to me enough times with the same person, I will usually find a way to tell them. It can be direct, but it can be gentle and to the point. One script I use is, "I can tell you're busy, so I'm going to let you go, but can we loop back to X, Y, and Z questions so I can move on with this task?" Sometimes you need to tell the person that it's clear they're not listening to you. It's disrespectful. That's not how we want to leave others feeling. We're going to get into that more in an upcoming tip. Recapping tips 1 through 3. We have to go in with an intention, be present, and remove distractions. Tip number four is going to take a little bit more practice, but it's going to change the game if you can get it.
Tip number four is do not plan your responses. One thing I notice when I'm interacting with someone who's a poor listener is that they're waiting for you to be done talking so they can jump in and say their piece or tell a story of what happened to them. You're not actively listening if you're already crafting a message in response to something the other person said. It shows itself. It's so obvious when it happens. I know as I'm speaking that you're thinking of examples of people or situations where this has happened to you.
If you are not actively listening and already crafting a response while someone else is speaking, it is distracting and it shows.
One quick example, a few years ago, I was in a meeting with six other people, and we had to put together a small project. It was a brainstorming kickoff call. It was a group of people that normally didn't work together, so the normal flow was new. The person who's running the project, I'm going to call them the project manager, set the tone, told us what the goal was, and threw it open mic for ideas. Someone came up with an idea. It was a good idea. The person running the project latched onto that idea and then turned off his brain to all of the ideas that followed.
The second idea comes, that one's better, and everyone resonates with that idea more. The third idea came, and the whole team was brainstorming as a group. Ten minutes later, the project manager was still on idea number one. It came across very clearly that he wasn't listening to the team. Unfortunately, it did come across as unprofessional and didn't instill any sense of trust that that project was going to be executed well by that person. We got through it. The project turned out great, but it was unfortunate. That's what happens when we don't stay present and we're thinking five steps ahead.
In the same category, I have to bring it up, the cardinal sin of active listening is interrupting. I'm guilty of it. Most of us are guilty of interrupting others. I know in some cultures it is acceptable and that's part of the style of communication. In general etiquette in a business setting, that is not the ideal way to influence others, especially in a role like a sales role where we're trying to convince the other person to buy from us.
In my personal opinion, people who interrupt others are almost always coming from a place of insecurity and trying to appear that they're confident when the true test of your confidence is not planning your responses in advance. This is the ultimate demonstration of confidence. You're confident in yourself that you can be present, listen, and be engaged in the conversation that's happening in front of you, and then navigate it to where it's going to go and what your response is going to be.
You can still stay in the driver's seat, but it's going to be much more organic and natural to guide the conversation by being involved in it as opposed to pushing your own agenda because everyone can tell when that's happening. Please don't interrupt. If it's something that you do as part of your communication style, I would encourage you to work on it. I have to work on a lot of these things too.
If you'd like a deeper dive into confidence, you can tune in to Episode 20: Four Pillars for a Confident Mindset. Confidence and arrogance are very different. I would put interrupters in the arrogance bucket and confidence in the being-present bucket. If you haven't listened to that episode, it is the most popular episode on this show, so I encourage you to go take a listen.
Tip Four: WAIT
Tip number five is super short and I use it all the time. It is an acronym. It is the acronym WAIT. It stands for Why Am I Talking? I personally am very chatty. Sometimes I have to remind myself to WAIT. Other phrases that I like in this same thread are, "We all have two ears and one mouth." It is very similar. Also, try to listen more than you're talking.
Tip Six: It’s Rude Not To Active Listen
Tip number six, which is building on each other with some of these examples, is to remind yourself that it's rude to not be an active listener. The reason why I personally feel that this is so important is that our communication style is part of our personal brand. When I think of personal brands when it comes to work and professionalism, how do I want other people to feel when they interact with me? Do I want to leave them feeling disrespected because I interrupted them or I didn't value their time because my email was too important for them to get my full attention, or if I clearly wasn't present or allowing myself to be distracted?
Tip Seven: Utilize Non-Verbal Communication
It happens sometimes, but as a general rule, active listening is going to leave the other person feeling like they're cared about. I don't ever want to come across as rude to another person. This is why this is so important. Our last two tips, tips 7 and 8 are not going to surprise you. It's more specific on communication. Tip number seven is to utilize non-verbal communication. When you're in a meeting or when you're in a conversation, what is the other person's tone in their communication style? What are their facial expressions demonstrating? How is their body language coming across? Ideally, since we're paying attention and being present, our first two tips, we're going to be able to mirror and communicate non-verbally that we're listening.
There are many ways that we can do this. A great one is to smile. Small smiles can be used to show that you're paying attention, and it's a way of agreeing. If you're sitting in a presentation and presenters are up there, toss them a smile, throw them a bone. If the speaker's telling you a sad or discerning story, we're not smiling. We're mirroring their tone and their body language. The same thread here, we can nod or shake our head as a way to communicate that we're listening.
There are many ways to do effective non-verbal communication. A great one is to smile, which shows you are paying attention and agrees with someone.
Maintaining frequent eye contact is a great way to demonstrate that you're paying attention. This may take some reading of the situation to figure out how much or how little the other person wants to receive eye contact. If you're actively listening, you're going to get a feel for their comfort level, and you're marrying the eye contact with head nods, smiles, and then the verbal feedback that we're getting into next.
The final piece of nonverbal communication that we already touched on is mirroring. Usually, an automatic reflection or matching facial expressions and body language is used by the other person. Body language is the umbrella here. We're making sure we're open. We are not closed off. We're not looking pissed off as we're listening. We want to be present and mirror the body language. This is something that usually happens pretty naturally, so most of us don't have to work on it intentionally. If this is an area that you struggle with, mirroring is an easy tip to continue to remind yourself as you're listening, "Let me match that other person."
Tip Eight: Give Verbal Feedback
Tip number eight, the last and final tip, which is very important in a business exchange to show that you're listening is with verbal feedback. Small acknowledgments like, "Yes. Wow, tell me more. What happens next?" Tiny fillers are a way to respond to what the speaker is saying without interrupting. Another part of listening is to ask questions, whether that's to keep the flow of the conversation going or to clarify something. Especially in a business environment, if you're a bit lost in the story, you don't understand something, or you're confused about who was doing what, it's okay to ask for clarification. It's going to help you follow along more, reduce miscommunication, and it's an easy way to demonstrate that you're listening.
Another verbal feedback tactic that's similar to mirroring is you can repeat the last few words or points the speaker makes back to them. Direct repetition works well to help not only you retain information but also communicate to the other person that you're paying attention. It's going to feel a little bit awkward, but it doesn't come across as awkward unless you're parroting everything the person's saying. Every once in a while, throughout the conversation, repeat something back, especially if it's an important point.
Bonus Tip: Take Notes
If you want to paraphrase, you can use a script like, "I'm going to repeat this back to you to make sure I understand what you're saying." In my experience, I've always been in very technical conversations that are not always my zone of genius. Sometimes I will say, "Do you mind if I explain it back to you to ensure that I'm following along?" I'm going to take the last couple of points here and apply them to a sales meeting as an example.
It's a quick example. If you'd like a deeper dive into this, I'd recommend you tune in to Episode 10: Understanding Our Client’s Business Model and Episode 25: The Importance of Remembering Names. This is going to be a bonus tip here. In both virtual and in-person meetings, I recommend taking notes. It helps you retain information and ensure that we're capturing pieces of information. However, we're doing this with intentionality. We're not writing down everything the person's saying because that's not going to help us listen well. We're using the notes as a listening crutch.
When attending meetings, take notes. It will help you retain information. However, always do this with intentionality and use your notes as a listening crutch.
In our example, let's say we're meeting with a new prospect. We met a woman named Brenda at a networking event. Now, we have set up a formal meeting with her and her colleague to introduce them to our product or service. Bob and Brenda, we're in the room with them. From a logistical standpoint, my phone is in my bag or it's face down at the table on Do Not Disturb. We start by asking about their roles and their company business model.
Here is a quick script, "Brenda, thank you so much for setting up this meeting. Bob, Brenda shared such great things about you during the X, Y, Z networking event that we met at. It's so great to put a face with your name. Before we get started, I'd love to learn a little bit more about each of your roles at the company and, if you wouldn't mind, to share a quick overview of the organization's business model. I feel I have a nice grasp on what X, Y, Z company does from Brenda and my own research, but I want to ensure that I'm catering my comments to your needs and your roles." We then listen to what they say.
If you need to jot down notes in your notebook or key pieces that they share with you, great. Personally, especially if it's a virtual meeting, it's so easy to write down people's names and what they do, and then you can reference back throughout the meeting. That is a powerful piece of influence there. We're combining our verbal and non-verbal communication. We're smiling, we're nodding, and we're maintaining eye contact. We're like, "Tell me more." All of these things are going to help communicate.
This is one of the biggest pieces to actively listening but staying in the driver's seat. If they tell you about a different department you can potentially introduce one of your colleagues or a different part of your business to a different part of their business, don't interrupt Bob's flow as he's talking. Jot it down. Personally, I put either a little Q for Question, which means I have a question I don't want to forget but I don't want to interrupt their flow, and/or if there's an action item that they're going to need to send me something, I'm going to need to follow up.
Same thing, I'll jot it down and write a little AI in the corner for Action Item along that line. What this does is that once Bob's done with his flow or once Brenda's done with what her pain points are and what we're trying to solve, this is how we can still navigate the conversation but not leave money on the table. When I say leave money on the table, this is where we ask questions and listen to the answers. This is where we find untapped business development opportunities. We could only do that if we're actively listening.
At the end of the meeting, I usually summarize like, "Thanks for going through that with me. Can I ask you a couple of clarifying questions?" We then go through my questions. We dive deeper. It helps you organically present, "Bob, I need to introduce you to my colleague, Tim. He has a product that's going to solve that need. That's a different department, but I think it's going to help you. Let me take that as an action item to set up a follow-up meeting." If we're not asking questions and we go in with our own agenda, we start going, and we're five steps ahead, we're leaving all this opportunity on the table. Listening is such a big part of running a successful meeting. It's going to change the game the more intentionally you focus on listening.
Final Thoughts
Here are some final thoughts on listening. This ties back to the last episode on empathy. Be curious about everyone and do not make assumptions. You will always be able to learn something from someone else if you stay curious. People are interesting, and if you go into things without an agenda, by being present, and by being a good listener, doors that you would never expect are going to open for you.
Be curious about everyone and do not make assumptions. You will always learn something from someone else.
In a closeout, I want to share a quote from psychiatrist, Karl A. Menninger, that resonated with me. I thought it was very cool. "Listening is a magnetic and strange thing, a creative force. The friends who listen to us are the ones we move toward. When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold, and expand." I know shows are one-way communication, so I'd like to thank you for reading. Just like business, all of these things are full of nuance and interconnectivity. That's what makes it fun. Thank you for reading. I'll see you next episode.
Important Links
Episode 10: Understanding Our Client’s Business Model – Past Episode
Episode 20: Four Pillars for a Confident Mindset – Past Episode
Episode 25: The Importance of Remembering Names – Past Episode
